An open letter

I have been accused of emulating the Messiah and His Lord. Flattering as that is, I am not quite omniscent enough for that, because most of what I profess to believe, someone has told me to articulate. You have no doubt noticed that when I am off script, I tend to babble, with lots of "uh"s and "er"s. Of course, I only believe what I think you will approve, audience by audience, so, thinking up stuff on the spot is hard for me, because I can't imagine how the nonsense I've been told could ever be good for the country.

I wish I could be more like the Wizard of Oz. You know, someone who lurks in the shadows and makes unchallenged proclamations. Anonymity makes every ruling seem so much more important and worthy of compliance, and I could read it right off the paper. That's better than using a teleprompter. Sometimes, that damn thing has a glitch, and. . . but that's another story. . . .

So, please vote for me, and try to forget that my wife and my former pastor hate you and the United States. You know I love you. Didn't I just tell you how proper tire inflation and a tune-up will solve your gasoline dilemma? Anyway, when I'm elected, I'll punish the rich and the oil companies, because I know how vindictive you want me to be.

The man behind the curtain,
Barack Hussein Obama