Cars

Now that a federal judge has determined that the tobacco industry lied to us (although the hacking cough should have given us a clue), let's start working to destroy the auto industry. Who believes that lie they tell about the "factory invoice?" How about, "Don't worry about the interest rate, I can get it for you for $199 per month (if you live long enough)?

A trade in? Sure. (I can jack up the price to accommodate that.)

Wait a minute, I'll go ask the boss. (I need a smoke.)

You'll get 30 miles per gallon (if you coast down hills).

I'm only making $100 on this sale, and the boss gets even less. He makes it on volume.

Do you want undercoating? Well, you got it.

You should buy the extended warranty (because it's pure profit for us).

Don't forget to have us replace your framistan every six months.

Finally, always remember, we love you just like Wal-Mart.