"Yes, I'm serious, . . .

"Airplane!" is the only film I ever saw in the theatre twice during the same run. It may be the funniest movie ever made, with every line intended to induce laughter. Few moments disappoint.

One of the stars, Leslie ("and don't call me Shirley.") Nielsen (1926-2010), has passed on to the Perpetual Satire Room, where I hope to spend eternity, especially if it is adjacent to Doggy Heaven. Check the directory; mind blend ahead.

Diversity (published 12/5 as [edited] by E-R)

To begin with, diversity is not a positive force. The word itself comes from the root which means "unlike." Therefore, when government encourages diversity, it emphasizes the differences between its citizens, and only drives them farther apart. Equality is a better concept to bring people together. That, along with love and understanding, should be the goal.

[That being said, last year, the citizens of California, without my affirmative vote, created a commission to replace legislators in the process of drawing political districts. To date, eight members have been chosen randomly from 36 applicants who were culled from a pool of 30,000. To illustrate the folly of observing the policy of requiring consideration be given to "racial, ethnic, gender and geographic diversity," the choice of the first eight members has already rendered complete "diversity" impossible.

I believe the only attributes needed are common sense and the spirit of fairness, but the NAACP has already spoken up, and other less justified and more militant fringe groups are sure to follow. As the first eight members, by law, now choose the final six, let us examine some of the actual and perceived violations of diversity:] (Bracketed portion replaced by two sentences to meet 250 word limit.)

1. There are already four Asian Americans on the panel. That exceeds their percentage of the general population.

2. It appears most of the first eight are college graduates, which exceeds the 30% of degreed Californians.

3. Because five are women, it would seem that at least four of the remaining choices must be men.

4. So far, there are no retail clerks, farm workers, or members of the entertainment industry, three of the largest groups of California workers. There should probably be at least one more teacher, as well.

5. There is only one Hispanic, and even discounting the illegals, that falls far short of the actual percentage of the population.

6. Finally, at least three of the most vocal interest groups -- gays and lesbians, atheists, and the SEIU -- are yet to be heard from.

Apparently, a much larger commission would have been better for diversity, but probably too unwieldy to get anything done.

Liberal punishment persists

SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE -- "As expected, the Board of Supervisors Tuesday bucked Mayor Gavin Newsom and overrode his veto of legislation to bar fast-food restaurants from giving away toys in kids meals sold in San Francisco unless they have reduced calories, salt, fat and sugar and also include fruit and vegetables."

As you may suspect, I have the answer to such meanness. McDonald's and other purveyors of delicious, artery-clogging fare must continue to offer it for sale, including those child-pleasing Happy Meals, and the accompanying toys the kiddies love so much should also be available for sale -- for one cent. Mothers and fathers can hardly fail to put smiles on their rugrats' faces at that price.

It could even be a teaching opportunity. Parents who can afford to buy fast food no doubt pay their children an allowance, and the kiddies can be encouraged to save their pennies for those trips to Mickey D's, where they can learn to purchase their own bargain toys. (Actually, that cheap Chinese junk probably isn't worth more than a penny, but don't tell the kids. They'll learn that soon enough when they start shopping at Walmart.)


HAPPY day after Thanksgiving

Mixed metaphor

After nine years, and the unnecessary destruction of the career of former competent politician, Gary Condit, the killer real of Chandra Levy was convicted recently. After all that time, her mother was still only able to create and pronounce the unmemorable phrase, "We have a lost lamb missing from our family tree."

No, I am not insensitive; I'm just always looking for funny combinations of words.

UPDATE: Although I saw and heard what she said on TV, The (already discredited) New York Times reported she said "lost limb." Go figure.

Idle welcomes Jorge back (as published in the E-R, 11/24)

I want to congratulate Jorge Smirnoff on his recent financial uptick. It seems he has finally discovered that hard work and personal responsibility are the keys to success, something the rest of us have always known.

I welcome his return to "Letters," and ask, if before he deep-sixed his newspapers, he noticed that the Obama liberal agenda has been repudiated across the country. I eagerly await his rationalization of that.

I pledge to be more kind to him now that he has embraced capitalism, and if I see him in that ubiquitous line at Starbucks, I'll wave a friendly hello, but I can't join him because when I left the Army, I swore I'd never stand in line again.

Finally, I thank him for not dredging up George W. Bush to blame yet again, and ask that he at least read his book before he resumes any unreasonable excoriation of the man who kept us safe all those years.

Update

Perhaps the election of Gavin Newsom to the post of California Lieutenant-Governor was not as big a mistake as I had anticipated. In his present role as Mayor of San Francisco, he has, "As promised. . . vetoed legislation by the Board of Supervisors that would prohibit fast-food restaurants from giving away toys in kids' meals. . . unless they meet a strict set of nutritional standards. . . ."*

Newsom said, "There are times when a city can go too far. There's a time when we even cross the line. Doing these types of toy bans is inappropriate, I don't think particularly effective, and I just think goes way too far in inserting government to try to be the decision-maker in someone's life as opposed to parents."

I applaud his clear thinking in this matter (if not his clumsy wording), and hope it bodes well for him in his upcoming new position.

So far, the main fool who is leading this attack on happiness, Supervisor Eric Mar, has not announced whether or not he will try to override the veto. Parents of San Francisco -- tell him how you feel.

* Rachel Gordon, San Francisco Chronicle

Child abuse (as published in the E-R, 11/15)

The holier-than-thou in the City-by-the-Bay, by an 8-3 vote, have decided to spoil one of the few joys of the childhood of many otherwise deprived youths, who now can no longer receive a toy with their Happy Meal at Mc Donald's unless the restaurants alter the content of the food to reflect a somewhat unrealistic combination of ingredients. The eight fools think they have the right to tell private business how to service the community, but what they probably have done is simply make small children unhappy when they will not be able to enjoy the gimcrack they used to receive with their tasty, somewhat unhealthy fare.

If Mc Donald's would be foolish enough to start serving tofu and broccoli, they would lose the patronage of the rest of us. San Francisco isn't going to mess with my junk food. What Mickey D's offers for sale, and what parents choose to give to their children is none of the Board of Supervisors' business. This is just another case of government looking for someone to punish, and, this time, finding children.

HONOR A VETERAN ON THIS, THEIR DAY. . . even such Cold War veterans as I, and Elvis.

#800, as published in the Sacramento Bee 11/14

I am frequently criticized for my supposedly irrational suspicion that much of science is nonsense, but Professor Christopher J. Ferguson's article, "California irresponsibly hit video-game button," 11/7, goes to prove I'm not all that crazy.

As you read the following quotes from Ferguson, consider how they are in direct opposition to current thinking and common sense, and keep asking yourself, "What?"

Ferguson said, "There is no good evidence linking video game violence with youth violence or other harmful outcomes." Really?

"A recent study of mine suggested that young people who play violent games handle stress better than those who don't." His study?

"As video games have become more violent and more popular, youth violence has plummeted, not increased." Proof?

And finally, "We can be sure that video games have not triggered a crisis of youth behavior, because there is no crisis of youth behavior." {You know how I feel about "everybody knows," and now, "we can be sure.")

If you are a teacher, or a parent, or a human being, do you believe any of the above statements, especially the last one?

Ferguson reads like early tobacco advertising. Then, cigarettes were good for you; and now, violence is a positive force in our children's lives. That's nonsense.

Five questions

Can you believe it? Our NBC affiliate put the following words of mine on the air:

"Keith Olbermann is a jerk, but was he really stupid enough to sign a contract giving up his Constitutional right to free speech? Can you imagine that MSNBC thinks they can force him or anyone else to do so? Will you ever watch that un-American network again?"

Is it possible the national election results are beginning to effect some positive changes?

T-SHIRT WISDOM: Politicians and diapers need to be changed often. . . for the same reason.

. . . continued (As published)

Although we may still have to see Nancy Pelosi's mocking face for a while, the dopers won't be able to flaunt themselves as readily in public. When I first moved to California, it was the envy of the world. Today, it appears the deep trough we have dug for ourselves won't be getting much shallower, at least until the next election. Just be thankful we don't have that supercilious snake, Harry Reid (D-NV), in California. There is still an inspection station on the border with Nevada to intercept such serpents, isn't there? (This portion, plus the first half from the previous post were published in the E-R on November 9.)

NO SECRETARIAT: The damn horse lost. (Here come the excuses; you judge how valid they are.) Our trainer was unhappy with the jockey. He brought the horse out too quickly, and let him run too fast a first quarter, so he faded late. Our regular jockey probably wouldn't have done that, but he is sitting out a suspension for "improper whipping" while riding other people's horses. Actually, that description of the offense is in my words, but it allows me to say, "It wasn't our fault."

RIP: George "Sparky" Anderson, Hall of Fame baseball manager. What a sad way to begin The Void.

"I Voted"

Apparently, the majority of the voters in California are under 30 years of age, and don't remember the disaster Jerry Brown's first two terms as Governor were. All across the country, the people rose up and threw out the tax and spenders, but in California, we have been burdened with Brown and more of Barbara Boxer. Here in the north state, we still have a small conservative enclave, but what happened to those celebrated clear thinkers in Orange County?

INTERRUPTION: I have just received a phone call from a reporter at the Sacramento Bee who says his article about the defeat of Proposition 21 will be published in tomorrow's edition. He says he may quote some of my ideas about adding $18 to the auto license fee for state parks. (Isn't that just another tax?) sacbee.com

Happy All Saints' Day

Tomorrow is Election Day. Every election is touted by somebody as the most important decision ever to be made. Someday, that will be true. Already, we may have recently elected the worst President ever. Certainly, if we don't stop him soon, he shows every indication of becoming so.

So, if you are registered, don't forget to vote. Whether the outcome of the election makes an earthshaking difference or not, you will have the satisfaction of having made your wishes known.

Consistency is all. In 55 years of voting, there were only a small number of decisons I regretted, and all of them can be traced to those few times I temporarily betrayed my core values. All moral men instinctively know what is right. Don't do what is wrong.