Dear ACLU:

How could I have been so politically incorrect? On Saturday, I wished you a Happy New Year, when I knew that Chinese New Year's Day falls between January 10 and February 19, and the Jewish New Year begins sometime in September or early October. How could I have been so insensitive, just because the calendar I use is accepted by the world, and on which international business operates?

Therefore, so I do not help someone to allow himself to be offended, I modify my greeting to wish you a Joyful December 31st, and a Happy January 1st, tomorrow and the succeeding 365 days. Hail, and a genuflection to Political Correctness. (Please don't sue.)

A Message

(I am going to try to write this without first making a rough draft, or the dreaded "outline." You may grade me, if you wish.)

The pamphlet has refused to print my defense of President Bush. The readers of the pamphlet have defended the teachers who preach religion and politics. In the new year, I intend to continue to praise the President for the things he does right, and to attempt to correct the teachers who stray from the facts into opinion. If that makes me the new holier-than-thou, so be it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Smart mouth

You would think I would have heard it before, because it's funny, but I don't think I have. Here it is: The best response to the censure, "Don't get smart with me," is "OK, I'll keep it real stupid, so you can follow," I've probably avoided a lot of the corporal punishment saying that would have earned me, especially when I was a Corporal.

Now that the holy portion has passed, here's one last carol:

Deck the halls with Boston Charlie,
Fa la-la-la-la la la la la.
'Tis the season to be gnarly,
Fa la-, etc.
Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la-la la-la-la la la la.
It is your night in the barrel,
Fa, etc.

Another cartoon

First born could not say "no" to a young salesman from the newspaper in a nearby small/medium size town, the name of which is two words which represent a local topographical feature. It turns out her action was almost purely charity, because the young man, who was earning some kind of trip, neglected to tell her that the paper would arrive in the mail. So, instead of the news, we are getting the "olds." We do, however, get the cartoon "Alley Oop," and they have promised to publish my valuable political criticism next week.

Alley Oop was a caveman who lived in the prehistoric land of Moo. The strip was created in 1932, and it is apparently in limited distribution, because I haven't seen it in any newspaper since my youth. In fact, I must have been very young, because in 1939, Oop came into possession of a time machine, and has been spanning the ages all this time. I came upon him two weeks ago in 1907 Oklahoma where he was schmoozing with Will Rogers, just before he "beamed" to the present day. The Oop of my youth didn't do that. Oop of my youth. . . .

It appears that Mr. Oop, as he is now called, would feel at home in the North State. After all, in Oklahoma, he "toted" a stone hatchet in the holster on his belt. From my youth, I recall it was an ax he carried. It was a formidable weapon, and he wielded it prodigiously.

School

Encouraged by OPE's "cartoons on the radio," I am going to try to describe today's "Non Sequitur" for those who do not read it regularly. Naturally, it has a message which I sanction.

There are four panels. In the first panel, Danae, the little heroine of the strip, is expressing joy that her teacher has asked the class to open their history books. "WOO-HOO!" she says.

In the second panel, the teacher expresses surprise at Danae's sudden fresh interest in history, especially when she claims it's "as much fun as science."

In the third panel, Danae elucidates: "Now we just make up our own facts, and if anyone refutes it, we brand them as a hatemonger." The fourth panel chronicles the teacher's inappropriate disciplinary response.

Such is the sorry state of education (and Congress) today.

Clara

A gentle soul has gone to her eternal rest. A former distant relative is gone after 94 years of fighting the good fight. She passed on in her sleep, shortly after she had been hospitalized for a fractured pelvis. I will stop now, before I use any more euphemisms and platitudes, and simply say, "Goodbye."


EXTRA: I take issue with the dictionary. I believe I was justified in being confused by the words "complimentary" and "complementary." I was using the word to describe an item which is proffered free of charge. I chose the latter word. It seems to me the concept of "making someone more complete" is more appropriate than an expression of "honor." After all, there is no guarantee that because something is free, it has any value. However, the dictionary does acknowledge that the "e" word is an obsolete form of the "i" word. I have been unfairly accused of several things lately, but I certainly don't want to be called an obsolescent grammarian.

HGH, PC and GITMO

Four recent TV submissions involved steroids (used), banning "Huck Finn" (not), detainees (should have been), and my favorite Christmas carol (used).

I love baseball, but my last real hero was Al Kaline, the Detroit Tiger great, who retired from playing in 1974, and is still in the front office. With the advent of free agency and steroids, it's been hard to have a loyal hero since. "Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?"

In 1884, when "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published, the word "nigger" was in common use in everyday conversation. If you have been tempted to edit the previous sentence to read "n-word," I will have already lost my argument to the foolish concept of political correctness. 1884 was a different time. The book is a classic.

No one should be executed without a full trial. Detainees who don't face execution should be interrogated until it is ascertained they have told us all they know, and then they should be sent back their countries of origin, making sure any betrayal is known to all.

Christmas carol? Shouldn't that be holiday song? How politically incorrect of you. What would the ACLU, the atheists and the radical Islamists say? Happy birthday, who?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

It was inevitable. A lesbian couple, married in Massachusetts, now want a divorce in their home state of Rhode Island. What's the problem? They're only married in Massachusetts, because no other state has defined marriage as anything other than a union between a man and a woman. They could just separate, and as long as they each stay out of Massachusetts, they're "divorced."

Of course, they could also go to Massachusetts, and follow whatever procedure, if any, has been established for dissolution. But, apparently, the problem is money and/or "stuff." Who gets the pots (crock, fondue or smoking), the bundt pan, the play station, the "Mulholland Drive" DVD, the padded toilet seat, the best vibrator, and the cat? You know, the important things in life.


EXTRA: Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France and America's new best friend, reacting to the Paris riots, said, "I reject the kind of naive, wishful thinking that makes every delinquent a victim of society and every riot a social problem."

Remember. . .

Today is Pearl Harbor Day, the commemoration of the first sneak attack on our nation. As a result, President Roosevelt took the U.S. to war, and our victory brought peace to the world. We honor the men and women who fought and died for us.

Sixty years later, we suffered another cowardly attack, and President Bush has responded. For six years, he has protected us in our homes, and when victory is achieved, hopefully, we'll have another period of peace. God bless America.


(Happy birthday, Dad.)

Banking

First born made an ATM deposit into the big bank with the stagecoach logo. The check was for $75, but when she got home, she discovered the machine had erroneously recorded it as $25. Almost simultaneously, the check writer learned that only $25 had been taken from her account. Should be an easy fix, right?

First born called the bank's 800 number (Translation: A youngster with a computer). "I don't find it," said the dweeb. "Wait a few days until it's recorded." Then, he transferred her to that person who tries to sell you every service the bank offers. Although she has no sales resistence, first born managed to avoid saying yes to anything.

Lacking satisfaction, she went to one of the actual bank branches, and got the same run-around from a real person. "It would be complicated and time consuming to make the correction. Why don't you just ask the check writer to issue you a second, $50 check?" (Translation: "You rectify our mistake.")

Outrageous! Any fool can see that with a few keystrokes, and possibly a fax, the problem would be solved. Banks sometimes are staffed by the lazy, incompetent and uncaring. Maybe it's time to get off the stage and take the 3:10 to Yuma.


EXTRA: Men of American, wake up! Daimler is planning to introduce to the U.S. market a thing they call a car: the Smart car. It's miniscule, it's cheap, it's fuel efficient, and it's stunningly ugly. It's what my grandmother would have described as "a cat without a tail" (translation from the Polish). No self-respecting American male would be seen dead in this contraption. Watch out. AlGorists and women will try to cram this "kiddie car" down your throat. Resist; be a man.

Final update

As far as I'm concerned, it's over. Apparently, two Muslim members of the British Parliament negotiated the pardon of Gillian Gibbons with the Sudanese government. I don't know the details, but I've lost interest. I only hope that Ms Gibbons' life is now safe. I would remind her, however, of Jim Rockford's admonition that people often confuse pardon with parole.

A final brief clarification: In my earlier post I quoted AP as "Yassin Mubarak, a young. . . man. . . carrying a sword." It is always prudent to edit everything that comes from AP. I chose these two deletions for different reasons.

The first deletion was the word "dreadlocked." In PC America, that word could be considered racist and inflamatory. The second deletion was the phrase "swathed in green." I feared my readers might be confused because, as I, they did not know that green was the "color of Islam." Green is my favorite color, and it will continue to be, notwithstanding, just as I don't reject red or blue, even though they are the "colors" of competing criminal gangs.

The Moral

One of the most disturbing aspects of the Gillian Gibbons story is the belated response of the British government. The first and foremost responsibility of any government is to protect its citizens, especially when they are besieged in foreign lands. The British Embassy in Khartoum has all but abandoned Ms Gibbons in a country where thousands of irrational religious zealots are screaming for her execution.

One of my favorite TV shows is "The Unit," which is a fictional depiction of an elite U.S. Army squad that rescues Americans from just such circumstances. If the British had such a group, Ms Gibbons would now be comfortably ensconced in her English home, enjoying bangers 'n mash, instead of being secreted away, along with her captors, in an undisclosed location.

I served in the U.S Army in France for fifteen months. I never felt uncomfortable for a moment. One day I was slowly driving home from the PX through a suburb of Orleans, when suddenly a young French girl, age 10-15, ran out, banged her hands on the hood of my Renault 4-CV, and dropped to the pavement. I judged it to be a scam when an observant passing GI told me, "Stay in the car; and I'll get the MPs." Suddenly, an MP and an interpreter appeared, and I was told, "Go home; we'll take care of it."

As I drove off, I could hear the interpreter making it clear to the girl and her assembled friends and relatives that they hadn't fooled the U.S Army. I never heard about the incident again.

All I ask of my government is to take care of me like that. Hopefully, when the British finish talking to the Sudanese, Ms Gibbons will feel the satisfaction I did.


EXTRA: Eleanor Clift of "The McLaughlin Group" finally got something right. She agreed that those silly holier-than-thou liberals who say Santa Claus is setting a bad example for children because of his weight, are wrong. She had better watch out, they may revoke her Brainwashed Liberal Membership Card.

Update

KHARTOUM , Sudan (AP) ". . . Gillian Gibbons, a British teacher, should be executed for allowing her students to bestow the name Muhammad on a class teddy bear," said one of several thousand protestors in central Khartoum on Friday. ". . . Protestors chanted, 'Kill her! Kill her! Kill her by firing squad!' . . . Yassin Mubarak, a young. . . man. . . carrying a sword [said], ' What she did requires her life to be taken.'"

This is Islam; do you want to negotiate with them?