What budget shortfall?

At the impetus of a sixteen-year-old, the California Assembly wasted some time passing a law creating a "Cuss Free Week." My reaction?

"I'm afraid I'll be unable to avoid some of the dirtiest words around, such as socialism, cap and trade, health care taxes fines and imprisonment, immorality, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and the meanness of liberal lies, because to do so would deter me from fighting the evil they represent."

Beliefs

It has been announced that former Vice-President Dick Cheney had a heart attack on Monday. Of course, the meanness in liberals will cause them to reject that assertion, because they don't believe Cheney has a heart.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that marijuana is medicine. True medication contains ingredients which cure or ameliorate disease. Marijuana merely dulls the mind and allows the sufferers to tolerate pain better. In the process it destroys brain cells. You might just as well get drunk, and achieve a similar effect. Over the counter pain killers may help too.

Do you believe that there is the slightest chance that the President will shut his mouth for even a moment during the Thursday health care "summit?" I think we have long since despaired that he will listen to anyone with whom he disagrees. Even I am not that obstinate, but I can't resist a big "I told you so," following the latest revelations about global warming and driving with cell phones.

FYI (ad lib)

Tonight on regular TV (the one that doesn't extort extra fees to view), you will be able to see the film "Meet the Fuckers."

C'mon, be serious, you know that's what they meant. Clever it isn't, neither the title nor the film.

ALMOST AS STUPID AS JORGE: Tiger Woods' alleged mistress, a former porn star, wants a personal apology for the notoriety that focking the famous golf star afforded her. Gee, it ruined her pristine reputation.

He's baack. . . (As published 2/22)

I was surprised that the E-R published the 2/16 letter from the self-proclaimed "intelligent" Jorge Smirnoff with its potentially libelous attack on me, George Hoag, and the millions of other "conservative blowhards" he fears. However, in his second sentence, his credibility did take a deep dive when he repeated the falsehood that the liberal media started about Scott Brown's alleged nude picture, which, of course, the respected "ladies magazine," Cosmopolitan, obviously wouldn't have published.

Smirnoff continued to sprinkle his childish babble with words like "windbags," "extremists," and "mental disorders," and boldly stated from his supposedly vast training as a clinical psychiatrist, that we were in need of "intensive psychiatric counseling." But when he reiterated, as if we hadn't noticed, that he lacks "civility," I began to laugh uncontrollably.

Foolishly, perhaps, I will take him seriously, however, about the last sentence of his nonsense, when he said that he will generously "pick up the tab" for Americans in financial difficulty. He may feel free to help me out by sending me $96.40 each month as reimbursement for my Medicare Part B premium. If he really wants to feel good about himself, he may also send me enough for the Medicare supplement which I cannot afford.

A PSA

Gentlemen, be advised that if you have not already lavished gifts upon that lady who has been your recent constant companion, or do not plan to put on an outrageous display of your love, any joy that you may have achieved from the relationship will be lost. Flowers, candy and/or an overpriced restaurant feast are recommended. Hallmark Cards and their willing commercial accomplices have created this hell for you, because St. Valentine is long dead and never knew about this faux-holiday bearing his name. Resist at your own risk.

BY THE WAY: If you had watched the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics, viewing those four large phallic symbols in the center of the arena with her, that will not count today, nor will watching young men on motorcycles (which I can see as I write) leaping high in the air in some nonsense called supercross, cure your ED. Of course, if your gifts are not lavish enough, you won't be getting any anyway.

From a Letter to the Editor

Several years ago, before I was fully aware of the debilitating effect of government entitlements, and before I had any serious health problems, I carelessly signed up for the program that started America down the path to the excesses of health insurance. I pretended my government cared about me, but, of course, there are those who only want me to be dependent upon them, and to re-elect them so they can continue lavishing other people's money on me. [You see, public office is the surest road to private riches, and many office holders tenaciously protect their access to that cash cow.] To my shame, I continue to accept their unearned inducements.

Humor

In my never-ending search for sources of amusement, I came across two brief lines in two pieces on the same page of the local newspaper which gave me a chuckle.

1. In an article about the closing of nearly 100 post offices as a part of that Obama change, and in response to citizen complaints thereof, Norm Scherstrom, a Postal Regulatory Commission spokesman said that the closures were technically suspensions and "THE OFFICE IS NOT CLOSED, BUT AS FAR AS CUSTOMERS ARE CONCERNED IT'S NOT OPEN." Huh?

2. An advertisement for a local Christian school had the headline, "PARTNERING WITH PARENTS IN DEVELOPING CHILDREN OF CHRISTLIKE CHARACTER." It's a K-8 institution, and they'll be lucky to stop them from eating paste and picking their noses. I doubt there will be any loaves and fishes or walking on water, but the teachers may get the urge to crucify one of them from time to time.

Two in the mail

1. A card included in the envelope with my Social Security check informed me of the Medicare Savings Program, where people of limited income and resources may get help from their states paying their Medicare Part B premiums. My initial reaction was to be disturbed that, if this assistance has been available all along, I hadn't known about it until now. Then I thought, perhaps it's new, and I should apply for it, because I must surely be eligible.

In the end, I have decided to gift the state of California $96.40 per month for this year by not further taxing the budget; but I reserve the right to change my mind if the state's financial situation improves substantially or mine stops supporting my modest lifestyle. You're welcome, California.

2. Soon after Christmas, I received a solicitation from the VFW, one on my five regular charities, along with those supporting sick children, the homeless, a lovely endangered lake, and trees. I had successfully sent about $100 to each at the end of last year, so in January, I responded to the VFW with one of my snarky business cards threatening to drop them if they bothered me all year long.

Surprise! I received a personal response from Kelly J. Jones, Manager, Development. In part, Kelly said, "Thank you for your recent note regarding Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States mailings. We understand you would like to receive only one solicitation each year with no gifts enclosed. From now on, you will receive a mailing in the Fall."

True, I am up to my ears in address labels, but I have to respond to Kelly's letter to insure that I do receive more of those fine Christmas cards and gift wrap they sent me three times last fall.

Now, if I could just get that insurance company from whom I bought a whole-life policy for my great-granddaughter to stop sending me solicitations for their other products twice every month. . .

Vamping

In my continuing effort to solve the problems of the world, I offer my answer to "Don't ask, don't tell:"

The U.S. military is not a dating service. The fraternization which is presently forbidden between officers and enlisted personnel should be extended to all soldiers. People who carry guns for a living should keep their hands and intimate body parts off each other.

The Punxsatawney prognosticator

For years, some insensitive Pennsylvanians have dragged a hibernating woodchuck out of his or her den and subjected it to a silly unnecessary "tradition." In 1993, the irrepressible Bill Murray starred in a comic film chronicling a visit to one such nonsense celebration of animal abuse which, mercifully, only emphasized Murray's humorous machinations.

In a year sometime between the onset of the "holiday" and the release of the movie, my family increased by one on Groundhog Day. His mother had been convinced to eschew drugs for this, her third delivery, and I gave no thought to small furry animals as I sat in the waiting room listening to her scream. Apparently, the ordeal especially endeared him to her, and because he became her favorite, he was particularly saddened by her death, which was probably attributable to her concern for him and his three siblings.

I have never been a completely suitable substitute for a mother's love, but I also love him, and I am thinking of him on his birthday.

Double standard (as published 2/7)

If any of us referred to a group of people as "you guys," the holier-than-thou proponents of political correctness would be all over us. Yet, President Obama painted all Republicans with that brush, and no one complained. After all, the man had already abused the Republicans' hospitality after they had invited him to their retreat, and he had accused them of being obstructive and uncaring, when, in fact, they are merely reflecting the wishes of the majority of Americans.

The Republicans probably were not surprised, after his display at the State of the Union address, when he insulted the invited Supreme Court members out of ignorance of the nature of the issue and the purpose of the Court. So, the President doesn't observe common courtesy either as a host or a guest, and his childish petulance now punctuates his growing incompetence. "We guys" are not amused.

FYI: When the viewers of KNVN-TV tune into tonight's five o'clock news, they will find the viewer email gone. After four years, it is going to the net. I'm pondering whether or not I should follow. Do you think I have any loyal followers?