TV

Almost every day, I submit a short e-mail to my local NBC affiliate. Most days they put my words on screen, and read them aloud. Today, they showed my offering, but they edited it down to the last sentence. The subject was, "Is the government more prepared for natural disasters than before Katrina?" Here is the full text of my response, which was short, but apparently not short enough for TV.

"All I ask of my federal government is that it protect me from foreign attack, and come to my rescue if I'm unfairly detained abroad. From my state and local governments, I expect police and firefighting services and prompt maintenance of the infrastructure. My responsibilities are to be gainfully employed, pay taxes, and monitor my elected officials so that I may vote for those who best understand my needs. If a natural disaster were to strike, I would be grateful for any help I received, but I realize that I alone am primarily responsible for my own health and welfare."

Emmy

As you may have noticed, I don't comment much on entertainment. With all the potential evil lurking about, it seems that movies and TV are pretty inconsequential. However, I did watch a portion of the Emmy Awards and made a few observations. It was hosted by Conan O'Brien who I've never enjoyed, and besides, like Steve Buscemi was described by that tramp in "Fargo," he's "funny lookin'."

The committee urged the voters to nominate and elect people who had not won before, ignoring some of the most popular shows and actors. This produced wins by such minor talents as Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Megan Mullally and the annoying "The Office."

One highlight I did see just before I switched over to "Mystery!" involved the writer of the pilot episode of "My Name Is Earl." On receiving his award, he came up on stage with a list of people he DIDN'T want to thank, i.e., "My eighth grade social studies teacher who told me, 'Sit down and shut up; you're not funny.'"

RIP

Jazz trumpeter and bandleader Maynard Ferguson, known for his soaring high notes, has died. He was 78.

In the words of his friend and manager, Steve Shankman, "Someone just said, 'Gabriel, move over to second trumpet.' He was the last of the greats. That era is closed. There is no Kenton, no Basie, no Ellington, and now, no Ferguson."

Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines the scientific method as "principles and procedures for the systematic pursuit of knowledge involving the recognition and formulation of a problem, the collection of data through observation and experiment, and the formulation and testing of hypotheses."

You'll notice that the word "vote" doesn't appear. Yet, the International Astronomical Union has changed its mind since last week and now has demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet BY MAJORITY VOTE. Ah, science. . . .

Porn

Holier-than-thou activists are after the hotel industry for making porn films available in the rooms. The representative from The Marriott counters with the logical response: "Adult movies [are] an acceptable option because they can be ignored or blocked out by guests not wishing to view them."

That obviously means that no one is forced to watch. But imagine the following scenario at check-in:

CONCIERGE: Welcome, sir. Do you have a reservation?

GUEST: Yes. Foonman's the name.

CONCIERGE: Ah, yes sir. That will be (some outrageous amount of money). And remember we have been intimidated into forbidding smoking.

GUEST: I know. Fortunately, I have raging emphysema.

CONCIERGE: Good. Now, will you be wanting porn in your room?

GUEST: (hesitantly) I don't think so.

CONCIERGE: Perhaps you would like us to hold a gun to your head. That would only be $25 an hour, or any part thereof.

GUEST: That would help. I was thinking of the religious and moral implications of such viewing, but the gun option takes the decision out of my hands. Let me see my film choices.

CONCIERGE: Our gunman will bring a list with him. The charge won't start until the film begins. What time would you like him to be there?

GUEST: (popping a blue pill) Oh, I don't know.

CONCIERGE: Well, call us when you're ready.

GUEST: Thank you.

Fun Quotes

Without comment on the legislation, I present two humorous quotes from the newspaper article about the passage of CA SB 1437 which reinforces the prohibition against discrimination in school on the basis of sexual orientation. Of the vote, Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez said, "We'll send a message here that California is above it, that each and every person in our schools is going to be treated with the love and respect they deserve."

So. . . legislation makes us all respectful and loving, does it? Well, just in case it doesn't, Jim Sanders, the author of the article, says, "Violations. . . could be reported to the State Department of Education for possible reprisals." I hope he doesn't MEAN "reprisals." That word more appropriately describes what Israel is inflicting on Hezbollah.

Science by Majority Vote

The City Council of Dublin, CA has given preliminary approval to an ordinance declaring secondhand tobacco smoke to be a public nuisance. If enacted. it would lower the burden of proof on plaintiffs who go to small claims court seeking relief from wafting fumes.

The action was inspired by a Dublin Smoke Nazi who objected to her neighbor smoking IN HER OWN BACK YARD. Six years ago, the SN had contemplated moving, but decided to stay, endure the wafting, and make trouble for her neighbor.

At this point, "relief" is not defined, but it's sure to include an infringement of sombody's rights. Wafting made unhealthy and illegal by majority vote.

Diplomas (ad nauseum)

In these dark days when courts insist on usurping the authority of the executive and the legislative branches, one court got it right, and they gave us some great quotes in the process. California's 1st District Court of Appeal, responding to lawyers who sought to force California to give diplomas to students who had not passed the high school exit exam said, "It would be a 'bitter hoax' to give diplomas to students who do not have basic academic skills. Worse, handing out diplomas to these students wrongly lets the state escape responsibility for actually educating them. . . The purpose of education is not to endow students with diplomas, but to equip them with substantive knowledge and skills they need to succeed in life. . . .

"A high school diploma is not an education, any more than a birth certificate is a baby."

Cars

Now that a federal judge has determined that the tobacco industry lied to us (although the hacking cough should have given us a clue), let's start working to destroy the auto industry. Who believes that lie they tell about the "factory invoice?" How about, "Don't worry about the interest rate, I can get it for you for $199 per month (if you live long enough)?

A trade in? Sure. (I can jack up the price to accommodate that.)

Wait a minute, I'll go ask the boss. (I need a smoke.)

You'll get 30 miles per gallon (if you coast down hills).

I'm only making $100 on this sale, and the boss gets even less. He makes it on volume.

Do you want undercoating? Well, you got it.

You should buy the extended warranty (because it's pure profit for us).

Don't forget to have us replace your framistan every six months.

Finally, always remember, we love you just like Wal-Mart.

Service

"Wal-Mart is here to serve our customers," is the mantra of the company from the CEO down to the employee I just heard on the radio. I bet they chant it at every employee's (called "associates") meeting. Effective propaganda relies on the oft repeated lie. The Nazis taught us that and even boldly admitted it, so don't be roped in.

Wal-Mart is only here to make money, pure and simple. They went to Germany and South Korea and bailed out when they didn't make enough profit. Goodbye "associates" and customers. They stay out of Chicago, New York City, the state of Maryland and other areas where the laws and/or taxes are more stringent than they like. How does that serve the customers, especially the poor, who live in big cities? And when the "associates" try to unionize, Wal-Mart closes the store. They only serve themselves; "associates" and customers be damned.

Party, Vote

I can't confirm this because I've recycled the Sunday newspaper, but someone reported that the Gottschalk's ad insert, "pages 10-12, should be headlined as 'how to look like a slut'. . . The skirt, I don't think she could even sit in a chair. . .and then [there was] the PARTY UNDERWEAR on page 12. . . ."

A committee of the International Astronomical Union has reinstated Pluto as a planet and added three new planets BY MAJORITY VOTE. I don't remember voting being a part of the scientific method.

One More Definition

A Smoke Nazi is someone who is holier-than-thou and feels obligated to tell others how to live their lives as regards the legal leisure activity of smoking. He would enact rules and regulations which support his concept of righteousness, and force others to be as "good" as himself.

Since a few years ago, when the scientific supposition that secondhand smoke is dangerous was announced, no responsible parent has smoked in any enclosed space near his children. Not you, not I, no one. Nevertheless, CA Assemblyman Paul Koretz (D-North Hollywood) has introduced AB 379 to "ban smoking in vehicles occupied by a child who is younger than 6 or weighs less that 60 pounds."

Do laws get any less enforceable that this? First, Koretz would have the police take time from serious felonies to pursue smokers. Then, he would have them carry scales to weigh the kids, and study to be like those carnival performers who guess people's ages. Oooh, bad parents everywhere are shaking in their boots. Ask any police officer and he'll probably say, "Now, that's a silly Smoke Nazi.

Two Things I Wish I'd Said

As difficult as it may be to believe, frequently, Letters to the Editor say things better than I do. Here are two examples from today's paper.

On January 1, the price of school lunches will be increased to $3.00, but the majority of the young diners will pay nothing. About this, Don Connella of Paradise says, ". . . Now if the socialists got their act together and realized that some of the students that are paying only $3 come from families that could pay much more, you could charge based on their family's income. You might get some to pay as much as $20, that way you would have funds to make the free lunches better. You could serve steak to the free-lunch students and maybe have enough left over to give free lunches to the 'poor teachers'. . . ."

Don goes on to suggest that students could do some chores around the school to earn their free lunches thus learning to provide for themselves instead of being on the dole. What a concept. . . .

And Neil Scott of Willows writes, "A couple of months ago we read where the average temperature had finally increased back to the 1938 level. Then recently we read that the heat wave did not break the early '30s record. Global warming? Maybe the problem is that Al Gore is still using the instruments he used to take his measurements 750 million years ago, or however long ago it was. Or, maybe he created global warming just like he created the Internet."

Definitions

cease fire - reload (Hezbollah)

cut-and-run - cowardice

Connecticut coward - Ned Lamont

impotence - the UN

sick dictator - Fidel Castro (Happy Birthday from the folks at the Cuban Public Health System.)

fine Cuban cigars - N/A

journalism - "writing characterized by a direct presentation of facts or a description of events without an attempt at interpretation." (Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary)

Wendy McCaw - the owner of the Santa Barbara News-Press who understands the definition of journalism

Democracy Now - A PBS TV show that isn't as funny as it used to be, because it appears these people truly are Utopia-seeking crybabies

PBS - TV network that is no longer unbiased (the others never pretended to be)

senile - Mike Wallace (who doesn't understand that "Zionist entity" is an insult.

Jew Hater - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his aforementioned "Zionist entity" reference

stubborn - George W. Bush and Cindy Sheehan (in the same breath, which thrills her handlers)

Peace - death or unconditional surrender of all terrorists.

Win - Lose

In a victory for teachers everywhere, CA State Sen. Sheila Kuehl (Zelda Gilroy of TV's "The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis") has amended her SB 1437 to DELETE any requirement to ALTER CURRICULUM to reflect the contributions of gays and lesbians. The new SB 1437 leaves intact provisions to prohibit instruction or any school activity that "reflects adversely" upon anyone because of their sexual orientation. Competent teachers have always honored that admonition and need no reminder.

(AP) "Employees at two more Wal-Mart stores in China have formed unions, raising the number to four amid efforts by labor officials to have the U.S. retailing giant's 60 Chinese outlets unionized. . . ."

Odds in Las Vegas are 2-1 in favor of mass firings, but 3-2 in favor of store closings. (The last Wal-Mart store in the U.S. that unionized, was promptly closed.)

Study says rain makes ground wet

CHICAGO (DP) - Researchers for the Randy Corp. in Ft. Lee, N.J., have determined that when it rains the ground becomes wet, sometimes muddy. The study, based on interviews with 1,46l participants, age 12-17, appears in the August issue of Goofus & Gallant, being released today.

Lonah Tedda (>add ethanol), former U.S. Representative (R-IA), and new Randy director, says she and her staff have wasted a goodly amount of government grant money determining what everyone knew and even the most jejune suspected.

Natasha Badinov. a 17-year-old from nearby New Brunswick, N.J., said she and her sycophantic friends had sometimes encountered the phenomenon on those days when her Benz was in the shop and they were forced to walk to the mall.

Randy researchers tried to account for other factors which may effect a moist terrain, including indiscrimiate urination and expectoration, and still found precipitation to be the major cause.

Ms Tedda asked, "Why doesn't the government stop that?"

(The above is a lampoon of an actual AP article entitled, "Study says raunchy lyrics prompt teens to have sex" [Duh])

In Deference to Jeff Foxworthy

You may be a liberal and/or a Democrat, if . . .

1) you HATE President George W. Bush, and cannot accept the obvious legitimacy of his election.

2) you HATE the United States and wish to see her brought down, and less affluent and compassionate nations elevated above her.

3) you HATE our proud fighting troops, putting them in increased danger by subverting the government's effort to find, capture, and punish terrorists.

4) you HATE the quiet and confident speech of the Administration, preferring the desperate screaming rhetoric of the likes of Hillary Clinton, Teddy Kennedy. John Murtha, and Howard Dean.

5) you see the poor only as potential voters, and would only throw money to them, rather than helping them to gain some self-sufficiency and self-respect.

6) you HATE the possibility that your political heroes might not regain control of Congress.

7) you HATE the thought that immigrants - legal and illegal - may not vote Democratic, so you pander to them.

8) you HATE yourself for not feeling guilty enough about how, hundreds of years ago, people who looked like you mistreated Africans, Indians, Mexicans, and anyone else who, today, claims to be downtrodden.

Yet, I have been accused of hatred.

Big Mouth

There's probably no way I can say this without someone misunderstanding. However, I will risk the excoriation which may occur either because my writing is inadequate or my readers, if any, are biased, because I need to clarify my thinking. Mel Gibson's rant, "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," lacked the prefatory words, "The hatred of. . . (is)". Indeed, throughout history, the Jews have been hated and persecuted. I fail to understand why that is, because I have no room in my life for hatred. The only thing I know about Jews as a group is that they are often industrious and successful businessmen, and are faithful to their religion. What's to hate there?

Perhaps it's envy that drives anti-Semites, but why should envy translate into violence? With the Nazis it may have been their mental defects and thirst for power, but what impels "normal" people? I told you I don't understand.

Now, this is my complaint. People get drunk and say stupid things all the time. But, somehow celebrities are being followed everywhere by the press, and these media ghouls lurk about until the famous act human. I'm sure millions of drunks have said worse things than Gibson, but the press wasn't there. Somehow, reporters have come to believe that stories about the foibles of celebrities are news. They aren't.

I also believe that the Jews often over-react. I can't believe that no Jew has ever used the "n" word or referred to a "stupid Polack." Maybe the press could hang around some Jews until they quaff a little too much Manischewitz.