Insight

"It's not harassment if you like it." -- Family Guy

Science (again)

The comic "Non Sequitur" nails it again. Two "scientists" at a company called Find a Cure, Inc., are talking, and one says, "Woo-hoo! I did it. I found a cure!!" His colleague responds, "Well, now that you've found a cure, our funding will be sent to another division." They think for a moment.
Then, the first "scientist" revises his initial announcement. "Woo-hoo! I made a breakthrough that'll require a LOT more research!!"

Sounds about right.

A RACIST BEHIND EVERY TREE? What does it mean that the police in our local college town "won't staff up quite as much" for Cesar Chavez Day as they did for St. Patrick's Day? Can't Latinos get as drunk as Hibernians?

The confluence of March Madness and the end of The Void

While I was cheering for my alma mater to be the national champion (and remembering how we lost the final game last year), I realized The Void is over in a week, and grown men will resume playing the boy's game of baseball for big money, and I will enjoy keeping track of the statistics. I hope in this, my eighteenth year, my fantasy team will finally reward my longevity. I appreciate that my family doesn't repeatedly remind me how much I haven't won.

THE CENSUS: It appears that the government won't be sending the form to my only mailing address, a P.O. Box. When the temporary employee comes to my door, he or she had better bring a form to leave with me, because I have no intention of discussing my situation with him or her, especially the facts that we are merely Americans, and our income is none of anyone's business. I don't suppose it would be productive to write "Repeal Obamacare" on the form, because apparently they don't give a damn what the people want.

WANDA SYKES can be funny, especially if you laugh at her biased view of life. Remember -- she can only offend you if you allow her to.

Another infamous date

I am going to pretend that the 3/23/2010 signing of the health care disaster was not the worst thing that has ever happened to the United States of America, even though the attack on Pearl Harbor and the tragedy of 9/11 pale in significance to the possible destruction of our way of life posed by a group of socialists who have blatantly disregarded the will of the majority of Americans, and have begun to usurp their liberty.

I will not compare 3/23/2010 to 1/30/1933, when the Third Reich was born, but I now know how many Germans must have felt when they saw what was about to happen to their country. Our best hope now is the Constitution and the Supreme Court, whose interpretation can negate the many improper portions of this 2,400 page abomination.

One other glimmer of hope (and change) will arrive in November, when all the Congressional Democrats who voted for Obamacare can (and should) be removed from office. Possibly new Representatives will subsequently repeal the most outrageous provisions of this freedom killer. I do recommend that we also keep a wary eye on Rahm Emanuel and the devious czars, whose tactics sometimes resemble those of Hitler's cohorts. Don't let their lies achieve the degree of efficiency with which Joseph Goebbels propagandized the German people.

The forgotten

After three and a half years of college, I transferred from a Big Ten university to a Big Ten college, which greeted me by renaming itself a university in what seemed like mere moments after my arrival. (Actually, it must have been in the works for some time, and the change was just coincidental.)

After two or three weeks of pure torture in a dorm room with two annoying jocks, I wrangled new digs with a quiet young man who had probably hoped he would have the room to himself for the rest of the year. As a drama major, most of my work was in performance, but I respected his need to hit the books more than I did. I did entice him to play cards with those of us who hung out in the rec room more often than he thought he should. We went to the movies from time to time, and we must have eaten together many times in the dining hall.

He arranged a date for me with Peggy, a friend from his home town, and we even doubled with a friend of hers. I saw Peggy several times after that, and marveled why he didn't.

I finished the school year, and I believe we lived together the following school year, during which we created a rude song, "Semper Penis Erectus" (lyrics available on request), and, among other things, we once hid all the resident assistant's furniture while he was in the shower. (Apparently, I was far more energetic in my youth.)

I hoped that my presence had heightened his sense of humor and I had been a good influence, but when I rediscovered him recently, I learned HE HAD FORGOTTEN ME. The only upside to this revelation is that possibly some of the young ladies who were subjected to my youthful callowness have also forgotten.

Someone can always say it better

In a letter to the editor, Victoria K. Coots presented, in part, the following seven stunningly appropriate statements, which should be a part of the oath of office for all elected officials:

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

"You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

"You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

"You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

"You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

"You cannot help people permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."


I commend her perspicacity.

The Reverend Don, American Idle

I am pleased to announce that I have been ordained as a minister in the Universal Life Church. Because I am the most moral person I know, that seems appropriate. You are forgiven; go forth and sin no more.

Duck, duck, goose

If you are really desperate for a little work, you might consider taking a job with the Census. However, you will want to avoid being one of those people who goes door to door asking those questions of the residents which they refused or were unable to answer by mail. Ask for a position manning a computer or making phone calls. Shuffling papers is also acceptable, but out on the street you will encounter various degrees of reluctance, ranging from "No English" to "Get the hell out of here!" You don't deserve that kind of abuse. (Seriously, can you really pass an FBI background check?)

The President hasn't specified whether we should open wide so he can cram his health plan down our throats, or we should bend over to take it in the butt. What I do know is that very few changes will take place for four years, during which time those of you who pay taxes will do so through the nose. How much will be amassed by the time the changes are scheduled to begin? Perhaps, Congress will have already spent it on "more important" things by then.

Another proud American airliner has been brought down by al-Qaida geese over Jersey. You wouldn't think the honkers had a political agenda or could be recruited with the promise of 72 virgins, but how else do you explain this sudden spate of goose attacks? Doesn't that phantom global warming kill them just as it does the polar bears? Apparently not in the breeding grounds in the mountains of Pakistan.

EXTRA: "Sometimes when there's nothin' to do, it's best to keep movin.'" -- Clint Eastwood (in the film "Thunderbolt & Lightfoot" 1979)

Science speak

"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called Research." -- A. Einstein

"There are no rules here. We're trying to accomplish something." -- Thomas Edison

"There are worse things than being crazy." -- Walter Matthau (last line of the film, "The Couch Trip" 1987)

TV COURT SHOW TALK: An idiot was suing his former live-in girlfriend for a whole laundry list of useless junk, including "all the stuff in the smallest drawer on the left side of the sink." He got what he deserved -- rid of her.

For no apparent reason. . .

Sunday night, I watched the Academy Awards. I had seen none of the films, and, in fact, I've seen very few nominated films for years. I haven't even been inside a movie theatre since 1998. That year, I saw "Elizabeth," and my last Oscar winner, "Shakespeare in Love." Both were nicely mounted but not memorable.

I confess I saw some of the 1993 winner, "Schindler's List" on TV, before I got really bored and tired of being proseltyzed, and I switched channels to some mindless pap. By the way, did anyone ever explain the meaning of that one brief scene in the black-and-white film when a little girl walked down the street in a red dress? Or was it a coat?

The last Oscar winner I remember really enjoying was 1977's "Annie Hall." In the interim, I saw, probably on TV, a half dozen winners, the most memorable of which was "Rain Man" (l984). With the advent of DVDs, I am occasionally tempted to view some highly touted film, but I have been disappointed just often enough to discourage me. After all, regular TV is equally entertaining, and it's free. Of which medium is that the bigger indictment?

SHOULD THE SCHOOL WEEK BE REDUCED TO FOUR DAYS? Why don't we just abandon public education altogether? President Obama tells us everything we need to know, repeatedly, and we needn't teach job skills because there aren't any jobs, and there are no viable plans to create any. But if you believe the President, we could all have fine health care funded by those companies which are losing employees and/or going out of business.

As if you cared. . .

Over the past couple of weeks, the mice on both of our computers slowly became essentially inoperable. (Coincidence? Read on.) Yesterday, my personal shopper went to the Mart with the K and bought two inexpensive ($7) Chinese electronic rodents, and after we installed them, I investigated the deceased ones. I discovered they could be opened, and although I have no idea how they work, I saw that mine was quite dirty inside. I spent a few minutes tidying up, and put it away in a place I will probably forget, for possible use when the cheap replacement inevitably dies.

Upon opening the other mouse, I found it to be squeaky clean. Why doesn't it work? Somebody doesn't want me to know, or I may be able to fix it. Jorge would say it's George Bush. Anyway, there doesn't seem to be any correlation between the two mouse failures.

An open letter

Hey Barack, how do you like it? After a year of your trying to run my life, now someone is telling you how to behave. Remember how you told me how checking the inflation of my tires would solve high gas prices? Remember how you said someone should decide whether or not I'm worthy to live based upon how old and/or sick I am? How about threatening me with prison for not buying health insurance?

Well, now your doctor has insulted YOUR intelligence by reminding you that your smoking isn't good for you, as if you didn't know. Then, he criticized your consumption of fast food, and told us about your high cholesterol, as if it were anyone's business except yours. How do you like that public humiliation?

You might want to tell your doctor to back off, because he works for you. I'm here to tell you to stop stomping on my freedom, because you work for me and millions of other Americans, the majority of whom, parenthetically, don't like most of the socialist agenda upon which you are embarked.

With grudging respect,
American Idle
(Physically inactive, but always vigilant, because I remember the euphemistic National Socialist German Workers' [NAZI] party)