"On the Lot"

I broke my own rule, and got what I deserved. I don't watch reality TV (except quiz shows, to keep sharp in case my family ever has the guts to challenge me at Trivial Pursuit again). But, in a moment of weakness, I watched "On the Lot." Young filmmakers are trying to earn a job at Dreamworks. Their first offering was a one-minute comedy film. Now comes the flaw in the process. The public was allowed to vote. The viewers with the twelve-year-old mentality chose the films which contained vomit, urine, and the two which featured farting over at least two others which were somewhat better. So, three of the 18 filmmakers were dismissed, and only one of those was deserving. I fear if I continue to watch, it will just make me increasingly angry.

More good news

Finally realizing that the movement she joined "often puts personal egos above peace and human life," Cindy Sheehan has decided to go home "to try to be normal." Although she had already sacrificed a 29-year marriage, on Memorial Day she stepped down to spend more time with her three surviving children. She has announced that the five-acre parcel she bought adjacent to President Bush's home in Crawford, Texas is for sale; but, mercifully, Cindy no longer is. We wish her all the best.

Yesterday, I received a surprise phone call from the U.S. Representative from my district, Wally Herger. He thanked me for the letter to the editor that I had written in response to the words of Jorge Smirnoff which were unfair and hurtful to him. We spoke briefly about immigration, and he assured me he was very concerned. I also impertinently suggested that those surveys his staff sends out frequently contain "loaded" questions, phrased to evoke emotional responses. I assured him I appreciated his conservative position, and I thanked him for his years of service. It was the highlight of this year so far.

Do you have children?

I have just seen one of the most disgusting TV commercials yet. It portrayed a woman, purportedly a single mother, working hard as a waitress, and bemoaning her low salary and small tips. Suddenly, the ghouls from one of those "payday loan," store-front loan sharks announce that they are "there for her." These companies prey on the poor and disadvantaged (and Gary Coleman), and charge outrageous amounts of interest. Their business practices are unconscionable.

I dare you to be late paying them back. "Mommy, what does garnishee mean? Why is the big man taking our car? Why are you crying?"

Good news

I have just been listening on the radio to the opera "Salome" by Richard Strauss, and although I gave it a fair trial (for almost an hour), it was auditorially boring. I suspect watching it would improve the experience, because a number of sopranos who have sung it in the past did go completely nude when they removed the seventh veil. In this production, however, they spoiled the fun even more by announcing that today's Salome would be wearing a full body suit. So all I can visualize is figure skating.

You'll notice I haven't posted much lately, because things have been going so well that I don't have much to complain about. And yesterday, I got the cherry on top of the whipped cream. Rosie O'Donnell had another hissy fit and may never be seen on TV again. Maybe she went out to "bitch pasture" with Fluffy.

Of course, I am ecstatic that my President, by sheer force of will, was able to fund the troops and give them the tools to do the job of protecting our country. And, good or bad, the Congress is doing something about illegal immigration. However it shakes out, the fact that immigration does present some problems is at least being addressed, and hopefully, things will get better for all involved, because we all are involved in one way or another.

EXTRA: On introducing his team on the baseball broadcast, a relief pitcher referred to the ace of the staff as Carlos "The Big Mammal" Zambrano. . . no explanation. Carlos won the game, by the way. I have him on my fantasy team.

Just a thought or two

(As submitted to TV)

If we stop driving our big gas guzzling SUVs, the terrorists win. Oh wait, the party line is, if we DON'T stop driving our gas guzzlers, extreme Islam wins. Either way, WE have to win the war in Iraq.

We should make instant citizens of all immigrants from countries which would do the same for Americans who entered there illegally. Oh wait, there aren't any such countries. Does that tell you anything?

Oh wait. . . .

Research

Research reveals that the Paradise Unified School District has an ADA of 5,200 students spread over 14 schools. I leave it to you to decide which members of the administrative staff could be sacrificed or consolidated to provide more services for the students.

There are two assistant principals at the high school. At the district office, there is an assistant superintendent, a superintendent of instructional services, a director of special services, and two library/media/ tech coordinators, one for elementary, and another for secondary. (I made up the aesthetician.)

I realize that most district superintendents are only figureheads who schmooze the community and announce press releases, but if they decided to do some of the grunt work, it might make some of excess staff unnecessary. Let them earn their $200,000. Of course, any good school board should be able to find $34,000 hiding somewhere in the pork.

Drafts and Shafts

(As submitted to TV)

1. College binge drinkers demonstrate a weakness of character. Universities should be sensitive to the fact that they may graduate persons so impaired that no employers will want to hire them. They can talk ad infinitum about the evils of drinking, but only suspensions and expulsions will show they are serious.

2. The Paradise Unified School District has dumped their junior high sports programs to save a paltry $34,000. What do you bet that there isn't at least one "curriculum expert," "district aesthetician," "audio-visual coordinator," "assistant superintendent," "assistant to the assistant superintendent," or some other extraneous position that pays twice that much? Don't let the bureaucracy short-change the kids.

EXTRA: On a court show, a plaintiff from Alabama referred to "doppers." It turned out they were underwear worn by southern babies.

An untrouf

You won't believe this (nor should you). This morning, a sheep appeared in my front yard. No, it wasn't Fluffy; I'd know that bxxxx anywhere. The thought occurred that it may be Fluffy's mother, but I was unable to determine, because she spoke a strange idiom. She inserted the sound of "f" in the word truth, the letter "x" appeared in the word ask, and she added an "a" to the first syllable of Tijuana. When she referred to me as "tovarich," however, I grew apprehensive and asked the dog to escort her to the property line. As she was moving off, I thought I may have heard the word "jihad." I hope she doesn't tell the disc golfers where I live.

Dogs and Drags

1. I don't know if you have heard of a local phenomenon called disc golf. I'm not fully apprised of the "rules," but it apparently involves throwing a Frisbee at trees and/or something attached to trees in local parks. Environmentalists are upset, so the following appeared on TV:

Disc golf appears to be about as much of a sport as hacky sack, marbles, hopscotch or mumblety-peg. Why should we endanger any of the environment for this "sport?" Learn to play real golf, and save the Frisbee to toss to the dog. Dogs like that.

2. (As seen on TV) Should movies which portray smoking receive an R rating?

Movie ratings are an advisory. I appreciate being warned about excessive sex, violence and bad language, but it's kind of refreshing to see movie stars enjoying a smoke. After all. the holier-than-thou have spoiled smoking for the rest of us, even though any fool knows tobacco may be a health hazard.

The honeymoon is over

Fluffy and I thought we would have a honeymoon, but it was a disaster. First, although the Motel 6 accepts dogs, they were pissy about sheep. So we had to cut our day short at Niagara Falls to find a place to sleep. I don't want to think about it, but it involved police, prejudice, pursuit and petunias. Fluffy's fondness for flowers was our undoing at the public park. "Don't ever come back," sounded like a stern advisory. Fluffy cried.

It turns out that the marriage laws of Massachusetts do not apply to ovine-human relationships. We foolishly assumed that if it covered all forms of human-human coupling, how could it exclude any loving liaison? Apparently, the Elvis look-alike had no official status, and the ceremony was a sham. Fools in love. . . .

Last night, I told Fluffy. This morning she's gone. Apparently, she doesn't want to live "in sin." There are many pastures in this area, so she could be anywhere; and it's unlikely I can find her because, basically, all sheep look alike.

Sheepishness

You'll notice that a few days ago, Fluffy and I memorialized our relationship. Because the state of California hasn't enacted the favorable legislation yet, we decided to fly to Massachusetts where it's apparently legal for anyone to marry anyone else.

I crated Fluffy up, and it was off to the aerodrome. After a tearful separation at the cargo gate, I proceeded to check-in and gave up a goodly amount of my personal privacy (and a fine switchblade).

Landing in Boston, I retrieved Fluffy from the cargo hold, and she expressed disappointment that she had not received a snack, until I assured her that no discrimination was involved, and I, too, had been deprived of the salted peanuts. We rented a pickup to go to the cutesy chapel that we had booked, and met the faux-minister who had agreed, for a generous pourboire, to join us in civil matrimony. He looked like Elvis, but without the costume or charm.

There was an abundance of rented flora festooning the room, and I has hard pressed to keep Fluffy from munching on it. She seemed to balk at "'til death do us part," so, at the wedding dinner, I refrained from ordering the lamb stew, which was the speciality of the house.

I have yet to partake of ovine conjugality, because she claims some kind of "feminine problem." We do cuddle copiously, though, and she is true to her name, no doubt because of the lanolin. Her mother, who missed the ceremony because of her fear of flying, is threatenxxx, uh, promising to visit when her health improves. I was unaware Fluffy knew her mother, but it appears gynecological ailments run in the family.

Also, lately, she's beginning to nag me. It's baaaa this and baaaa that. I think this may have been a mistake. Last night, I dreamt about annulment. Stay tuned for more.

Something and Elsewhere

1. A package, which for a time seemed to be a real threat, was discovered just before 7 a.m. outside of Thomas Welding and Machine. It appeared to be a tightly rolled newspaper that was held together by a mass of rubber bands. It turned out to be exactly that, but before that was ascertained, police Lt. Linda Foonman opined, "It's either something or it is something really made to look like something.

2." When is local journalism not really local? When it's about Pasadena and written by someone in India. James Macpherson, editor and publisher of Pasadena Now Web site, has hired two reporters to cover the Pasadena City Council. One lives in Mumbai, and will be paid $12,000 a year; the other will work in Bangalore for $7,200. The council broadcasts its meetings on the Web. From nearly 9,000 miles away, the outsourced journalists will watch, then write their stories."

And it's only a part time job. Where do I apply?

School and Church

At Fresno State University, a child shot three other children, killing one. Although they were ostensibly college students, they were arguing over a toy, a Sony PlayStation, so I consider them children. Other college children expressed surprise the campus remained open after the event. The shooting occurred off-campus, and if we're going to run scared every time some crazy loses control, we'll just have to write civilization off, and welcome those Islamic extremists the Democrats want to invite to come here.

Some adults, the police, have captured the killer; and, hopefully, other adults, a judge and/or jury, will give him what he deserves.


Exercising their perceived exempt status, several churches are inviting illegal aliens, one at a time, to accept sanctuary with them. What an excellent opportunity for the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency. They can just wait outside the churches until the illegals grow restless and slip out for beer, illegal drugs, a cockfight, or chimichangas. Then the ICE can arrest the criminals on their way to satisfying those vices which the clergy might frown upon.

Cindy moves on

Several hundred people went to hear Cindy Sheehan speak locally. Six or seven women expressed support for the President, and "a couple" of them said some of the lovers of peace were "very rude" to them.

Cindy travels "about 27 days a month," so we can expect she will be speading her venom somewhere else soon. I was interested to learn that she has traveled around the world bad-mouthing our country, including visits to Cuba and Venezuela, two nations ruled by Communist dictators. I think we can begin to understand who is financing this anti-American crusade.

Cindy is planning to continue to disrespect her son on Mother's Day, if not before.

2008 and Oil

I'm feeling particularly lazy today, so I will just reprint two items that I have submitted to TV:

The front runner in the 2008 Presidential race, as of May 9, 2007, is Al-Qaida and the Islamic terrorists. If we can't keep the Democrats from surrendering, there may not even be an election. It only took 19 of them to kill 3,000 Americans. What do you think will happen if thousands of them come over the unguarded border?

There are those who would have us believe that WE are responsible for high gas prices. We let George Bush go to Iraq, and he didn't steal any of their oil. So now we have to pay those other countries whatever they demand, because we couldn't possibly drill offshore for our own oil.

Baaaa

1. By Edwin Garcia (MediaNews Sacramento Bureau)

SACRAMENTO -- "Suppose you are a husband who, upon marriage, would rather take your wife's last name. Or maybe you are in a domestic partnership and want to take your partner's surname, or create a new name altogether.

"The state Assembly passed a groundbreaking measure Monday that would make it a whole lot easier to do just that.

"If AB 102 is adopted by the Senate and signed by the governor, California would become the first state to allow domestic partners to change their names without having to obtain a court order. . .

"But the Name Equality Act of 2007 would make it easy for them to change their last names as it is for wives upon marriage. County-issued marriage license applications and state-produced domestic partnership certificates would be amended to allow couples or individuals to jot down any last name they wish to adopt. . . ."

I am planning to marry a sheep; we will be known as Mr. and Mrs. Fluffy.


2. I regret I will be unable to attend tonight's scheduled speech by Cindy Sheehan at the local university (ha!). I will miss the opportunity to boo loudly and yell, "Go home," for the few brief moments before her handlers' security force either ejects me or calls the police to do so. I wonder if I would have been treated with all the peace, love and respect these people profess. For instance, "Please don't do that," would bring immediate cessation and a classic non- apology. After all, they are aware of my position, and it's unlikely they will try to understand it.

A Village

Speaking of the rehab facility, the head cook once told Louie that they only served "store-bought" food. As opposed to what? Roadkill?

In the village where the facility is, over the weekend, four John Deere mowers we stolen. They were "green with yellow stripes." Gee, I never would have guessed.

The rest of the weekend, several false alarms were called in. Potential vandals at a school turned out to be kids playing hide-and-seek. A group gathering in the street in front of a church turned out to be some friends conversing. No rubber bullets were needed.

Parking

1. It turns out the Los Angeles park in Tuesday's dustup was MacArthur Park. Maybe it rained and the cake was ruined. Anyway, some of the more militant protestors would not obey the orders of the police and there was a confrontation. Both sides apparently invoked the schoolyard excuse, "He started it," and the protestors threw things at the police, and the police overreacted. Nobody's going to be right in this matter.

2. You remember, I talked earlier about the indolent. Well, yesterday, on a TV court show (I watch too many of them, but I am able to write these posts simultaneously.), I saw one of the queens of the indolent. She looked well-fed, physically strong, and she had no trouble trying (unsuccessfully) to cheat a check-cashing store out of $2950. When questioned by the judge, she admitted she had been living on "disability" for two years with "asthma and arthritis." The judge rightly pointed out she was cheating the government, because, although she was in her 40's, there are people who are much older who have worked their entire lives with those ailments. (Just ask the drug companies.)

May Day

Thomas Rodriguez, 38, an illegal immigrant rallying in Chicago on Tuesday, is a criminal. He entered this country without the proper documentation, and remains. The AP, always ready to exploit any situation, gave him a voice. In reference to the fact that the crowd was much smaller than last year, Thomas said, "We worry deportations are leaving too many young persons without parents."

Thomas is referring to the fact that some illegals who have been deported were forced to leave their children, who are U.S. citizens, behind. These are people who bore those children knowing full well that they could be apprehended as criminals at any moment. Why did they subject their children to this potentially unhappy situation? Well, while they were ducking and hiding, they took time out to stop thinking and start surrendering to their lust. Now they want to blame someone else.

Although most protests were peaceful, at a park in Los Angeles, several people suspected of throwing rocks and bottles at police were arrested. Someone always has to spoil it for the others.


EXTRA: When I was in the rehab facility, the paper napkin on my meal tray frequently arrived in a moist condition. Lately, a growing number of restaurants are advertising they only serve "fresh food." I'm considering opening an eatery which serves "stale food," and features "the wet napkin."

What's in a name?

Presidential candidate John McCain's wife's name is Cindy (possibly Cindi). She's tall, bleached blonde and trying hard to look young. The American people didn't think Tipper was a good first lady's name, and it's unlikely they will like the name Cindy. The only names that might be worse would be Tiffany (possibly Tiffani), Britney (possibly Brittany), or Madison (?).

EXTRA: As seen on TV

What do you bet those people who have been grousing about our dependence on foreign oil will be opposed to the new proposal for offshore drilling? Where do they think the oil will come from? Maybe we should just bundle up and ride horses. The Pony Express taught us it's only about eight days (and nights) to St. Louis.


Should Congress do something about TV violence?

Why don't we have Congress tell families when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat, when to go to the bathroom, what kind of light bulbs to buy, and how much health care they can have. Oh, and add censorship to the list, too. Whatever happened to personal and parental responsibility?