Another birthday. . . of a sort

Fifteen years ago to the day, I brought home my new Chevy S-10. It had left the factory some time earlier, but it became a member of my family on this date. This morning I sang the copyrighted jingle to it in celebration.

I bought an American vehicle deliberately, and I have been rewarded handsomely. The truck did spend the first month of its life with me in the shop, but the finest service manager I had ever known promised me I would only get it back when he could assure me it would never be unreliable again. He was true to his word, and except for routine maintenance, it has only needed one mechanical service, a fuel pump replacement, 7-9 years ago.

Even if it dies tomorrow, I will always love my GM truck, purchased before the company lost its free enterprise status. It still essentially gets the same MPG, and has always passed smog. I will not be replacing it with an ugly, undersized kiddie-car from Obama Motors.

QUESTION: Have you seen or heard any mention of freeing the HOSTAGES? I haven't.

That misnamed talent show

If I hear the expression, "It means EVERYTHING to me," one more time, I may smash the Bravia in a fit of pique. With 160+ contestants, everyone's chances are slim at best. Begging and pleading are not endearing, but losing gracefully is. At least, the producers only showed one who expressed anger, and she probably was actually better (more entertaining) than about half of the 40 who were chosen.

Perhaps I don't understand, but they apparently flew them all to Las Vegas, where none of them has yet performed again. (Actually, three groups were forced to do a dance-off, and the judges chose the one. . . get this. . . that was on roller skates.)

With all the rest, they reviewed their tapes, and the God-like judges made their proclamations. Particularly annoying is the fact that David Hasselhoff, a minor celebrity, is telling you and me who has talent. We have caught only a glimpse of many of the 40 chosen, and I don't know if we'll ever see their full performances. Wherever this is going, I am beginning to side with the young lady who stomped off, feeling badly used.

Hey, Fatty. . . you pariah

The latest targets of the holier-than-thou are the obese. They want to know how best to punish them. . . especially with taxes. Is this more of the hope and change of the Obamination?

Will they use it?

The TV has asked me about the cause of obesity. My answer:

"I believe that Jorge Smirnoff will confirm that, sometime during the Bush administration, all food mysteriously began to contain more calories, and George lied about it."

Remember Jorge, the world's biggest Bush basher? He is still trying to blame everything wrong on George Bush.

What Alzheimer's?

Curiously, the older I grow, the quicker time seems to pass. I suppose I should be grateful that my memory is intact, but, every so often, some event that is still fresh in my mind celebrates some several-year-old anniversary. Around here, for instance, we irrigate every twelve days, but it seems to happen every week. The HOSTAGES have been incarcerated for over four months, but Abe Vigoda is still alive. . . wait, that's a non sequitur.

Not yet

Another week has passed, and the TWO HOSTAGES are still in North Korea. All President Obama accomplished this week was to apologize, again, this time to the Cambridge Police Department for his uninformed, inappropriate remarks. Neither he nor Secretary of State Mrs. Bill Clinton, however, offered an apology for continuing to ignore Laura Ling and Euna Lee.

THE PROF: It is gratifying to learn that Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. now realizes that the incident with the Cambridge Police Department was caused primarily by his overreaction, and I am pleased to forgo my remarks here that would have pointed that out.

EDUCATION: Parents are responsible for the education of their young children, and for their scores on those ill-advised standardized tests. Teachers essentially baby-sit the children until their parents come home from work to teach them. Teacher salaries should be based solely upon which books they recommend, and how they help the parents to use them.

O

Last night, before "my" newscast began, I caught the last few seconds of The Oprah when she asked the viewers to email her descriptions of things they are doing to simplify their lives. Knowing that she would never read the thought that came to my mind, I present it here for you to love or hate: "My life became much simpler when I decided never to watch Oprah, because she is not, as some suggest, 'America's Treasure.'"

POSTSCRIPT: On "my" newscast, I said, "What I want to know is, on which tree in the White House rose garden do all those $4,500 gifts grow? Wait! You say they're going to raise taxes so we can pay for our own stimulus? Bummer.

UPDATE: The DMV is closed again for the third consecutive Friday, but they'll be happy to take your money on the net. Their computers are more efficient than their employees. . . and more friendly. Rudeness returns for a short visit next Friday.

Who was that mystery reporter?

Last night, before I could see myself quoted on TV, I first had to suffer through an hour of President Obama answering some pre-screened questions from the press. That question that he has been avoiding for days, however, mysteriously slipped in again: "Will your health plan be the same as the one you and Congress have?"

Half of his answer finally was perfect: "I have a doctor who follows me around everywhere I go, because I am the President of the United States, so I receive special treatment." That is a proper acknowledgement, and a gutsy answer.

As to the other half, his affirmative response was a promise he can't keep. You will not be getting the same plan as the members of Congress do. That's one of the perks that makes their jobs so desirable and special, and they're not going to share it with you.

By the way, the President of the United States -- he who commands special health treatment -- allowed one off-topic question about the incident with the Harvard professor, which he answered, admittedly from incomplete evidence, BUT he entertained NO MENTION of the health of the HOSTAGES in North Korea.

Tuesday night

Last night, for dinner, I had teriyaki chicken, some cantaloupe, fresh tomatoes, and homemade peach cobbler for dessert. Afterward, I watched the HDTV, almost enjoyed that misnamed talent show, and, before going to sleep peacefully in my own bed, said a short prayer.

In North Korea, the TWO AMERICAN HOSTAGES I had prayed for, ate rice and who knows what else, and after dinner they were interrogated again until they were exhausted, and they fell into a fitful sleep, even though the bed was hard and uncomfortable, and the bright light could not be turned off.

President Obama worked on his next campaign speech touting socialized medicine. Neither he nor Mrs. Bill Clinton thought about the hostages at all. Somewhere, the founders looked at each other in amazement at what is happening to their country.

EXTRA: The Digestive Health Center of Northern California, in the E-R, advertised, "Real Science -- Real Results." Is there someone out there who can tell me the difference between real science and faux science, and how you know?

Keyser Sose

The idea for the first of the leftover episodes of "Dirty Sexy Money" was a direct steal from the classic film "The Usual Suspects," except that the protagonist lacked the charm of Kevin Spacey. Maybe this theft was the factor that encouraged the network to cancel it.

Meanwhile, President Obama is out traveling around, lying about health care, while TWO AMERICANS are still languishing in North Korea, eating fish heads and rice, and undergoing some of the same psychological torture that Congress finds so offensive. If John McCain had been elected, do you think he would have let this go on so long?

TO TV: If men really did walk on the moon, the event speaks for itself. Every time someone feels the need to offer more "proof," I grow more suspicious. Methinks they protest too much.

"I started a lie. . . "

I am almost ready to be a Democrat politician. In making a comment on another blog recently, I told a ridiculous lie, and another commenter asked "Is that true?" My first deliberate lie since I told Mom I was only going to a Disney movie, and someone may have believed it. What a victory for prevarication.

With my name being on KNVN-TV almost every day, and my regular letters to the editor, some political party functionary should be looking for me to join Al Franken, another joker, in the Senate. Think of all the people I can lie to then.

EXTRA: Those people who stood in line at the closed DMV last Friday were back again yesterday to wait for a miracle. Some of them brought beer to share, or not. One jerk invariably asked, "Hot enough for ya?"

The self-proclaimed wise Latina

I know you've been anxiously awaiting my take on the Sotomayor confirmation hearings. Well, my initial impression is that the nominee is almost as slick as Bill Clinton, the king of the lying politicians. Unfortunately, Supreme Court Justice is not a political appointment, so her deviousness is not an endearing quality. She might want to try to explain why 15 of her 16 decisions were overturned, and how she intends to rethink her position.

OTHER: I was beginning to swallow President Obama's regular guy act when he was in the press box at the MLB All-Star Game schmoozing with the guys about baseball, until Rush pointed out that he said that the former name of the Chicago White Sox,s stadium was Kaminski Field instead of Comiskey Park. His favorite team, indeed.

On this, the anniversary of the walk on the moon, it has been revealed that there were several other films of the event that were apparently recorded over. The single most earth-shaking miracle that man has ever performed, and someone RECORDED OVER IT? I don't even believe it, when on the sitcoms, some insensitive husband supposedly records a football game over his wedding or the birth of his baby. (Why didn't they just go back to Nevada and record it again?)

An Anthem I won't sing

This week, I received a letter from the health care insurance giant, Anthem Blue Cross who had disenrolled me at the end of 2008. When I discovered it in February, I made inquiry, and was told I had been informed in October. I hadn't, and this week's letter confirms that, "Due to an error on our part, you did not receive prior notice of this change. . . Medicare is giving you a Special Election Period (SEP). . . to enroll in another plan. . . [but] you will be required to pay any monthly premium due from January 1 to the current date."

No thanks. Add Anthem, with their SEP, to the list of people I won't ever be patronizing again.

If I were President

If I were President, I would board Air Force One with Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi (if they had the guts to go), as many fully armed Marines as the craft will hold, and one member of the state-run media (i.e. ABC, NBC, CBS, etc.) and his cameraman, and I would fly to Pyongyang. Witness the following scenario:

POTUS: Pyongyang, this is Air Force One; request landing instructions.

PYONG: Access denied; leave North Korean airspace.

POTUS: Excuse me? (Pause) One moment, please.

(On the same frequency, I would contact the aircraft carrier, USS Ronald Reagan in the Sea of Japan.)

POTUS: Captain, how many aircraft armed with nuclear missiles do you have?

CAPT: The Reagan can scramble forty, Mr. President.

POTUS: Pyongyang, did you hear that?

PYONG: (Silence)

POTUS: Pyongyang, request landing instructions.

PYONG: (Gulp) Runway 3 north, weather clear, wind 10 MPH.

POTUS: Thank you, Pyongyang.

(Despite the 35 MPH wind, my party would land and debark, and I would ask. . .)

POTUS: Who's in charge here?

(When someone finally accepts authority, I would say. . .)

POTUS: Please bring the two Americans you are holding to me . . . now.

(While waiting, my cell phone would ring.)

POTUS: Hello dear, we've landed and I'm waiting. I'm fine. . . oh, wait a minute, call waiting. Hello, Captain. OK. Stand down for now. Gotta go, dear, the ladies are here. I'll be home for dinner.

(To the Marines)

POTUS: Would you gentlemen please escort our guests to my personal lounge?

(To the press)

POTUS: Do you have it all on tape?

(They nod. To the North Koreans)

POTUS: Thank you. Please give us takeoff instructions, and this time don't lie about the wind.

They just look foolish

Although Secretary of State, Mrs. Bill Clinton, has transmitted an apology from the families of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the childish North Koreans, who demanded it, have not responded, probably because they want the apology to come from the United States government, which, of course, is not complicit. Their juvenile outlook tells them if we demean ourselves, it increases their stature in the world. It didn't work in 1968 with the USS Pueblo, and it won't work now.

EXTRA: Nothing would change if we revisited the supposed crimes of previous administrations, or else it would make sense to investigate Bill Clinton for not killing Osama Bin Laden when the CIA said they could, or digging up Richard Nixon to force him tell us what was on those missing 18 minutes of tape. (AS SEEN ON TV)

I once had a roommate who frequently pointed out that football is always played regardless of the weather. I wonder what he thinks of NASA canceling the launch of a vessel that supposedly achieves the speed of 27,000 MPH because it's raining.

Today's Lie-of-the-Day

The scandal at the Burr Oak Cemetery, where bodies were dug up so the land could be resold, took place in a Chicago suburb. Most of those disinterred were black; Barack Obama is from Chicago, and he's black. Make up your own lie, like a good Democrat politician.

TWO EXTRAS: The DMV was closed again today to save the state money. The people standing in line didn't notice the difference.

A description of the 1993 movie Frankenstein says, "Dr. Victor Frankenstein fanatically believes in the power of science to solve all mankind's ills." Now, in the UK, life imitates the movies, as Igor and the scientists create human sperm.

My email to lauraandeuna.com

"I want you to know that I am very disappointed that my government hasn't yet brought your loved ones back to you. My blog. . . has mentioned them almost every day, and will continue to do so until they are home. My prayers are with you, and I hope that someone with political clout is soon encouraged to make a clamor about doing that for which government was created -- protecting its citizens."


I invite you to write as well.

DVT

The lawyers and the drug companies have created a new disease, and litigation will follow. Named Deep Vein Thrombosis, it (primarily) afflicts persons who sit too long in the uncomfortable seats on airplanes. Scientists suggest that, on lengthy flights, you get up and move around. Of course, that's too logical, and you know the drug companies will develop something to treat it, and lawyers will find a way to blame it on the airlines. What a wonderful world.

. . . and carry a big stick

Today, I am still thinking about the two young ladies being held hostage in North Korea. Meanwhile, President Obama has gone to Russia, where he's running his mouth (as usual) in the hope of looking good to the world. I would ask him to go to North Korea, and say something that makes him look good to Americans, particularly the two aforementioned unnecessarily imprisoned ones. Might I suggest he politely order that they appear before him, and when they do, have his Marine escort put them on Air Force One for the flight home. A "thank you" is optional, depending upon how quickly the tinhorn dictator complies.

Isn't that what you'd do if you were the Leader of the Free World?

Sometimes sarcasm is funny

I hereby cap off my long weekend of sarcasatic blogs with the letter I had published in the Chico E-R on Sunday. I hope the Farleys, who probably sincerely believe they are saving the world, will read it in its entirety, and appreciate its intent, which was a legitimate, if not somewhat smart-aleck, dissent. If they demur in some later edition, I will respectfully offer them one of my non-apologies, such as, "I'm sorry you were offended."

"While reading Francis X. Farley's letter Wednesday about the evils of carbon dioxide, I thought, for a moment, that when he referenced his wife, he was going to say she had decided to stop breathing. After all, the vast majority of the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere comes from the exhalation of billions around the world.

"Farley's garden notwithstanding, the only permanent solution to reducing the amount of that gas that may or may not have a significant effect on the environment is to reduce the number of people inhabiting the earth. Fewer people will also need fewer amenities, and we might even return to the quality of life our ancestors knew when they all rode horses and burned wood to fulfill most of their needs. When Farley and his wife have a viable plan for reducing the population, I hope they will write in again."

Bully for me

Yesterday, on Dependence Day, a popular and revered American holiday, North Korea symbolically fired seven short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan. Nations around the world roundly condemned the action, and pointed out it was a clear violation of the May UN Security Council resolution. Meanwhile, President Obama ordered the White House chef to put a few more hot dogs on the grill.

The missiles were launched from a base near Wonsan, a coastal city east of Pyongyang, which, of course, should be a burned out hulk this morning. But, as we know, the only UN member who has ever been willing to do anything militarily, and who furnishes almost all of the funding for the organization is the United States of America, and our President doesn't want to "aggravate tensions."

I challenge President Obama to meet me on the playground after school. I won't even need the Bohner brothers to join me to beat his wimpy ass.

The 4th of July

In deference to Rush Limbaugh, who said it first, Happy Dependence Day. With the government owning the auto industry, the banks, and your soul, how independent do you feel? As you eat your WalMart hot dogs and drink your generic soda, you might want to ask yourself, how long are you gonna let this go on?

Today, that rumbling sound you hear is the founders rolling over in their graves. And you thought it was fireworks. (Actually, part of the "sacrifice" the President wants is for you to forego fireworks this year.) To the founders, President Obama must look remarkably like King George, and they must fear for your freedom for which they put their lives on the line. Honor all those who died or were willing to die for you, regain the spirit of Independence, and calm the disturbance in the force.

Sha na naa na, Sha na na na na

I submitted the following to the Sacramento Bee, but since I criticized the editor earlier, I don't expect it to be published. So, here it is in its only incarnation:

While reading your 7/2 story "Capital homeless call for campsites," I came upon the picture of the demonstrator wearing the colorful T-shirt which read, "Where am I supposed to live?" The first thing that came to mind was, why did someone waste valuable food money on an unnecessary piece of propagandized apparel? Then, I pondered the obvious answer to the shirt's question: Get a job, and buy or rent a home.

Before you are tempted to angrily remind me that we are in a down economy, and unemployment has hit a 26-year high, let me offer an alternate solution. The homeless could move into the White House with the man who, until now, has done little to alleviate their plight. He says he really cares about them, and they could show their appreciation by making themselves useful and walking his dog. He might even appoint one of them czar of something, like the Homeless Sartorial Commission. Just so they don't say anything if they catch him smoking, and they don't ask to be taken over and shown the place where Monica and Bill soiled that blue dress.

Picky, picky

Not unexpectedly, I was disappointed by that reality talent show. You know, the misnamed one. Bad enough, they routinely embarrass untalented people for the edification of the insensitive; on Tuesday, trading on the Susan Boyle episode, they allowed one of the contestants to feign rustic ingenuousness, and then, surprise! he had a lovely voice. It annoyed me, and it insulted Ms Boyle.

Kevin Skinner came on stage wearing his baseball cap backward (to be fair, I believe there was something unacceptable printed on the front), and in an exaggerated twang, he related how he was an unemployed "chicken catcher." Following the juvenile court judge who was allowed to embarrass himself, the show presented the surprise fake hillbilly. Although similar to the Boyle phenomenon, it was derivative and completely contrived. Shame on them.

EXTRA: That abomination which pays children money for doing what they should in school has raised its ugly head again. Reject it; knowledge is its own reward.

"It was all a joke," says Franken

The Minnesota Supreme Court ordered that Al Franken be seated as the junior Senator from the Land of 10,000 Lakes. On hearing the news, Franken broke into a paroxysm of laughter, and declared, "I was just kidding. What would make anyone think I would be a good Senator?"

The chubby comedian once wrote a book calling Rush Limbaugh, his intellectual superior, "a fat idiot." Limbaugh dismissed it as the aborted attempt at humor it was. Actually, Franken was quite funny on SNL, but one can hardly take him seriously now. The Senate will soon tire of his incompetence, if not his snappy one-liners. He joins former Governor Jesse Ventura as part of the parade of boobs that Minnesota voters think is funny. They are apparently bidding to exceed the speed at which New York and California are going down the drain.

EXTRA: No, I have not forgotten. President Obama reminds me every day, when he inflicts himself on me from the safety of the press room, and makes no mention of the three issues in foreign relations that require his urgent consideration. Attempting to divert my attention with the failed TARP and Stimulus programs, and the impending failure of cap-and-trade and socialized medicine will not forestall my concern.